Ok, here are the three versions I have come up with. I played around and tried a few other things, but those were really crappy (we'll see how you like these *g*)
- She had been sent away for teaching as a child and had the teacher dominate her life, she had been immersed in a war as a teen, and now when she thought she could [live her own life / make her own decisions] as an adult, someone was interfering again.
Ella purposefully strode down the long corridor, only glancing at one of the doors every now and then, to check that she hadn’t [run] past the room she was to have her appointment in. The surroundings did nothing to lift her mood. Grey walls, grey floor, no hint of colour. Only the black chairs placed beside the doors for the waiting made for some diversion.
She had worked up her temper all morning and was now fully [prepared / intending] to vent it on the person waiting behind door number 87, and then to get back to [work / her life] and forget about all this rubbish. - At the age of 6 she could see air.
She was never able to again.
At the age of 9 she was taught to see Air Spirits.
She is able to call them at will now.
At the age of 15 she was immersed in a war.
She made herself forget she was a sorceress.
Ella purposefully strode down the long corridor, only glancing at one of the doors every now and then, to check that she hadn’t [run] past the room she was to have her appointment in. The surroundings did nothing to lift her mood. Grey walls, grey floor, no hint of colour. Only the black chairs placed beside the doors for the waiting made for some diversion.
She had worked up her temper all morning and was now fully [prepared / intending] to vent it on the person waiting behind door number 87, and then to get back to [work / her life] and forget about all this rubbish. - At the age of 6 I could see air.
I was never able to again.
At the age of 9 I was taught to see Air Spirits.
I'm able to call them at will now.
At the age of 15 I was immersed in a war.
I made myself forget I was a sorceress.
I purposefully strode down the long corridor, only glancing at one of the doors every now and then, to check that I hadn’t [run] past the room I was to have my appointment in. The surroundings did nothing to lift my mood. Grey walls, grey floor, no hint of colour. Only the black chairs placed beside the doors for the waiting made for some diversion.
I had worked up my temper all morning and was now fully [prepared / intending] to vent it on the person waiting behind door number 87, and then to get back to [work / my life ]and forget about all this rubbish.
(The formatting is a bit wonky...)
1 comment:
I think version one borders on "info dump" but if you pull it out and put it in italics (as in 2 and 3) it gets around that.
I prefer #2 and the third-person POV. I might change the tense of line 4 (calling the air spirits) and drop the "now" so..."She COULD call them at will."
Reason being, because the rest of it is in past tense, and the last line (about her forgetting she was a sorceress) implies she's forsaken her powers, so she won't be calling any air spirits. At least, that's how I read it.
Or you could leave it in first-person POV and jump into 3rd with the actual narrative. I think the reader would follow. Then it just functions as an internal.
I do like it as an intro, though. Got me interested. *g*
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